I’m pretty sure that this is becoming a habit. Not sleeping enough is draining me and it makes me more likely to experience the insomnia that has plagued me over these past months. I don’t know why I’m not sleeping. It’s not that I’m not tired. If I would turn the lights off and lay down, I feel like I would be asleep in moments. But here I sit. Watching the clock, knowing 6am is coming pretty fast.
I am so tired of being alone. Why can’t I find him? He has to be out there. This is really getting to be unbearable. I didn’t cry over Paige. I didn’t cry over Joseph. I find it increasingly difficult to cry at all. Oh sure, I can cry at songs or sad movies but real life? Not a drop. I feel more and more closed off. My cynicism has reached an all-time high. What if I finally find him but find it impossible to let my guard down? What if I have done such a good job locking my heart away that I can’t find the way back out?
I started to watch Law & Order – one of my very favorite shows. They described a gunshot wound and the detective mentioned stipling and I saw Goldsin’s autopsy photos in my head. How long will it take to make those go away?
My throat hurts. I’m going to be seriously angry if I can’t shake this stupid sore throat soon. I drank water all afternoon, begging the hydration to ease it some. I’m going to take some tylenol and hope for the best. I can’t be away from the office any more. Now I’m going into crisis mode for the employee banquet. Again. *sigh*
Well, I guess I’ll try and sleep.