For several weeks, I have felt entrenched in busy – to the point that I feel flustered and useless. Such helplessness is not in my nature and it is very frustrating. I hate shuffling stacks of paper around but feel that’s about as much as I’ve accomplished lately.
Yesterday, refusing to be distracted by my own frustration, I pushed through and tackled a very big item on my to do list: ordering the awards for the employee banquet. I slept a peaceful sleep last night. I woke up, ready to get back at it – for the first time in more than a month.
Today, for the first time in a while, I’m ready for the day – filled with clarity – I know what I want to accomplish today. It’s going to be a busy day but I’m determined to continue to push and make it a good one.
Similarly, I’ve been experiencing a self-caused drought in my faith life. I haven’t wanted to pray, haven’t wanted to read the Word, haven’t desired that close worship with God. But today, I woke up and felt that sweet tugging at my heart. For the first time in a long time, I got down my Bible and read from Isaiah. Isaiah 25:9-12 is where I stopped this morning and, boy, did it speak to me. “God will bring down their pride despite the cleverness of their hands.” That’s so true – I’m REALLY good at what I do but admit I’ve gotten cocky about work. It took this time of total ineffectiveness to humble me and remember that under my own strength, my job deteriorates into chaos. But you know the amazing thing? At no time did God desert me in my own stupidity – He always had His hand on me.
So, today my prayer is for clarity of thought and purpose. More than serving children, I am there to serve the Kingdom. As my pastor said this week, THIS is my mission field. I remember a conversation I had with my mother once – it was right about the time End of the Spear came out. I told her I was afraid to read it because I didn’t want God to call me into the mission field. To leave all I knew and go into the wild and be a light. *shiver* But, as my pastor pointed out, that’s exactly what happened. I didn’t grow up where I am now. I didn’t go to school here – my school was the next town over but it was MILES apart in difference – still is, actually.
I can choose to stand on the sidelines and shake my head b/c “they” don’t look like me and they act in ways that baffle my sense of propriety and logic. OR, I can roll up my sleeves and get in there with the other kindgom workers and see if we can’t bring THE Light into such a dark place. THIS IS MY MISSION FIELD.
You know what I’ve discovered so far? I am so in love with my job. I love serving these children – I’m in love with them. I don’t care what they look like – I want to make them smile. I want to hold God’s mirror up to them and show EVERY. SINGLE. ONE of them how precious they are.
A lot recently, I’ve been thinking about Jonah. (usually a sign that God’s about to take me to the woodshed)The fact that Jonah’s story isn’t finished in scripture has ALWAYS bothered me. That can’t be a good thing. There is no evidence that Jonah was restored to a place of trusting God’s provision, that he was filled with a sense of grace and understanding and LOVE. Two days ago, I was sitting there thinking, “what if I’m like Jonah? What if I make the choice to close my heart against these people, just go in and do my job and leave? Will my story be left incomplete and unsatisfying for those that follow me?”
That’s NOT going to be me.