Category Archives: Riley

In dreams I find him

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As today passes into tomorrow, I will whisper his name. Riley James. d. October 6, 2009

I wonder what he did today. Do little boys get dirty in Heaven? Will I ever stop wondering why it happened?

One day, I know I will finally ruffle his hair; like I’ve done to his little brother a thousand times. Until then…sleep tight, little one. Momma loves you.

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The boy who never grew up

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I am reading Peter Pan to the girls at bedtime. I think they are enjoying it – even Princess Crybaby gets mostly still and quiet. Sometimes she will lay her head on my lap and I’ll rub her back while I’m reading. It’s terrific. Munchkin and I read The Secret Garden last year and it was really fun.

peter-pan-15Last night, we were reading the chapter where Wendy decides it’s time to go home. She’s telling the story about the Darlings and how the mother always kept the window open for them to return – never forgetting them. Peter goes on to tell his version of that story, when his own mother “forgot” about him, locked the nursery door and replaced him with another little boy.

Call it runaway pregnancy hormones, but I started to choke up. The girls were absolutely silent too. It was quite the literary moment.

I reassured the girls at the end of the chapter that I would never forget about them if they flew away to Neverland and I would always keep the windows unlocked so they could come home. And then the bedtime rodeo recommenced and the moment passed.

For them.

Peter PanBut, a little while later, I found myself thinking about Peter and his story and I could not help but think of Riley. The temptation to fantasize about our eldest boy being one of the Lost Boys, running wild around Neverland; having adventures with Indians and pirates is an intoxicating thought. And then we get to coming back to the window. Would our little “Peter” (aka Riley) think we’d forgotten him? Would he see the crib and bassinet and a closet full of clothes waiting for The Boy’s imminent arrival, and decide that we must have replaced him?

Yes, I know it’s irrational. Riley is in heaven and has been since that morning in October, four years ago. I have not forgotten or replaced him. In fact, I don’t think a day goes by that my heart does not, in some way, whisper his name.

It’s just a story. And I’m VERY pregnant.

One day, I will read Peter Pan to The Boy and kiss the top of his head for the trillionth time and, yes, think of my own Peter Pan. And, while I am perfectly aware of the fact that this is from the movie Hook and not Peter Pan or any of the original versions, I still love this quote from Tinkerbell:

“You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you, Peter Pan. That’s where I’ll be waiting.”

Downhill Slide

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10 1/2 days until Christmas break. Thank goodness. Holy guacamole I am tired.  And not the kind of tired you feel when you’ve had a long day or you didn’t sleep well. It’s the kind of tired from having a long YEAR.*laugh*

On the homefront, all is great. Princess Crybaby is getting big. She is so alert – one of her favorite activities is watching people walk by.

She wants to talk and I think it aggravates her that she can’t make her mouth form the sounds she wants to make.

Munchkin’s teeth woes continue. I fear the fact that both her parents have less then great teeth combined guarantees we will have problems with her mouth.  I should get a job now to start saving for braces.

She had a tooth filled back in April. Well, the tooth was damaged and now requires a root canal. We started that treatment this week. The endodontist was top-notch and I really liked him. He used a lot if big words and I felt like I spent the better part of his explanation with my mouth hanging open with an expression you might see Mater make….uhhhh, whut?

Before and after school soccer practice has started so I don’t see the Coach much.  I’m excited about the season and hope the boys do well and we get through it with no serious injuries.

Speaking of soccer, what on earth is up with picking Qatar for the World Cup in 2022? That’s just stupid.

Work is going well. We have our annual clean up tomorrow and, while it has morphed into something quite different than the original intent if the day, it should still be a good day.  Work, otherwise, is fast and furious.

Oh, did I mention I’m doing another show? I’ve been cast as Grace Farrell in Annie. It opens the end of January.

I’ve become a little superstitious about doing shows as somebody important to me has died in the last three shows I’ve done.  Roy Finney, my beloved friend and mentor, died during the run of My Way. I miscarried Riley doing Godspell and my sweet kitty, Oscar, died right after I found out I was cast in Annie. Weird, huh?

Well, other than the insane juggling act that is my life right now, nothing is really going on.

*hysterical laughter ensues*

If you will excuse me, I will go slip into my white jacket with the buckles on the back now….  standard uniform here, in Crazyville.

‘night, friends.

his name…

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…is Riley James.  He would have been born around Mother’s Day.  *sigh*  I don’t think I’ll ever get over this.  There is this enormous gash on my heart where this horrible thing happened to us and, while in my head I have peace, my heart is so broken. 

Two of my newer friends have experienced tragic loss of brand new babies in recent weeks and my sorrow for them is like ash in my mouth. 

There is so much joy in my life it confuses me to have these moments that, out of the blue, come and take my breath away.  Cold washes through me and I remember the loss.  It is like an old injury that continues to heal and everything is healing well and then you twist a certain way and the pain spears you as if you’d just been injured.  Does that make sense?

I’m rambling. 

I’m going to go have lunch with my mentee child.  It always cheers me up.  Then, I’m going to see my husband.  His sweet face always makes me smile.

his name…

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…is Riley James.  He would have been born around Mother’s Day.  *sigh*  I don’t think I’ll ever get over this.  There is this enormous gash on my heart where this horrible thing happened to us and, while in my head I have peace, my heart is so broken. 

Two of my newer friends have experienced tragic loss of brand new babies in recent weeks and my sorrow for them is like ash in my mouth. 

There is so much joy in my life it confuses me to have these moments that, out of the blue, come and take my breath away.  Cold washes through me and I remember the loss.  It is like an old injury that continues to heal and everything is healing well and then you twist a certain way and the pain spears you as if you’d just been injured.  Does that make sense?

I’m rambling. 

I’m going to go have lunch with my mentee child.  It always cheers me up.  Then, I’m going to see my husband.  His sweet face always makes me smile.